Wednesday 27 January 2016

Possibly the most important letter i will ever write

 I'm back! These last few months have thrown a lot at me and my poor little blog has been left a little unloved but I have returned! 

This post is a letter that I feel the need to write. It's something that I think is important to do because I often struggle to put important things in to words. I am slowly learning to use my blog not just as a place to talk about products but as somewhere I can write things that I wouldn't necessarily say in day to day life. You know when those little thoughts that are all knocking around in your brain somehow create a pretty powerful opinion? That moment that you realise you have something to say, quite a lot to say in fact but you aren't exactly going to sit in the pub with your friends and go on a 20 minute rant because...awkward. Ok maybe sometimes I go on a bit of a rant in real life too (sorry..!) but that's besides the point. Here I can really take my time and say things how I really want to say here goes.

This is to the person who always makes my life that little bit harder. You make it harder because you never fully support me. You make it harder because you never complement me, but are quick to put me down. You make it harder because you seem to make me cry more these days than make me smile. And I am so tired of it. Always being questioned and never feeling sure of yourself is a difficult way to be. It can make life a pretty gloomy place and when someone encourages that kind of behaviour, it can make things a hundred times worse.

One of the worst things is that really, when I think about it properly, I don't understand why you are so cruel. I know I am not the best person. I am rubbish at keeping in touch with people. I'm lazy, a bit grumpy and sometimes I am a little selfish but I'm not the worst person in the world. For a long time now I have let your harsh words bring me down but I'm finally starting to see that I shouldn't. While I may be those bad things, I'm also a dreamer, a fun-loving geek who loves to give presents that make people's eyes light up and I'll drop everything for someone who needs me..and I'm not too hideous either. I may not be perfect but lets be honest, who the flipping hell is? (If you know of them, give me their number, we need to have words.)

A few days ago it was my hen do... a crazy, drunken, amazing night full of some of the most fabulous and beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I was completely floored when two of my closest guy friends from university even turned up, braving the hen do madness and driving for hours, just to celebrate with me. Now these people are the kind of people that you find yourself in awe of. They are stunning, unbelievably intelligent, hilarious and ridiculously fun to be around, they are everything I have always wanted to be. Yesterday I realised something very important. Those people were all there for me. If people as wonderful as these lovely ladies and gents are willing to go to such an effort just for me then I must be doing something right...right?

So I ask again, why do you not see it? What is it that you find so distasteful and annoying? Someone wants to marry me. Another person calls me their platonic penguin (aka a friend for life). Yet another has been told my darkest secrets and yet he still remains as loyal as ever. When you realise you have this collection of really special people in your life that are always there for you it should make you see that if there is someone who is really bad for you, it's time to say goodbye.

The biggest problem is... the person that is really bad for me, the person I am writing this letter me. I am the one who cuts me down. I am the one who tells me I can't do things or I'm not pretty or enough fun. I am the poison to which I'm sure many people can relate. Because I think at times we all have that little voice inside us that tells us to get back in the box. Now it's healthy to sometimes pull yourself back a bit of course. The danger is sometimes we pay attention to that voice far too much...I certainly do. On my hen do I said something that was to be honest just obnoxious and down right annoying. When my friend told me what I said I was mortified. Yet his reaction was just to laugh and say "lucky I'm fond of you hey" and the other people I have told thought it was downright hilarious. The voice told me to be embarrassed and not drink as much in future yet the people who love me didn't give a hoot.. so why should I?

At 27, the lesson I am finally learning is to not be so hard on myself. Yes I can make improvements to myself and my life, and if there are serious issues then I need to give myself a talking to. But I'm not so bad really. So I have decided to give myself a new cheesy motto to go by when I'm about to go into judging mode, "If you were a friend and not me, what would you see?"..because I think all of us need to see ourselves through other people's eyes sometimes.


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